I was at a party the other day, and a rather striking blond woman offered me some concoction she had whipped up. I generally make it a policy to accept strong drinks from striking women, so I tried it. I'm not sure what was in it, but it was really good. After a couple of drinks, it seemed to her like it would be a good idea for me to write a column. After a few more, it seemed like a good idea to me, too.
The job, apparently, consists of ranting and raving about something, and Lewis Black wouldn't touch it for a thousand times the money. I'm no Lewis Black, but at least I do have lots of practice ranting and raving, and I'm affordable, at least until some Las Vegas casino goes looking for a geek.
Which brings me to the value of time. Your time, my time. Worthless. How do I know? Just dial an 800 number. First, there was a time when you got a person. A clueless person, I'll admit, but a person who at least knew English. Now, we reminisce about the day when we got a person who at least knew Hindi, because apparently that two-dollar-a-day salary just can't compete with (drum roll, please) Interactive Voice Response.
Now, at least banana cream pie was a pie, even if it contained neither bananas nor cream. Interactive? Ha! Synthesized voice... And let's review: What does the word "response" mean?
Ever called a credit card company? One that carefully takes your account number and then in that charming, dim-witted kid voice says, "Uh oh, I don't get it." OK, they actually say something like "I'm sorry. Can you say that again?" But it's the same thing. Of course, when you get transferred to Bangalore, they will again ask you for your account number, because they didn't bother to actually record that number they just asked you for five times. Because, hey, your time is free.
And here's the cute part. That flawlessly polite person on the line, at two dollars a day, is not even costing enough to make their company care while you fume on your [insert billable hour rate here]. Not that I actually fume, of course. Heh heh, I'm just kidding. I just politely ask why the %@# they waste my time collecting information they don't plan to even use. I wonder if they know in Bangalore what %@# really means. Like the time in Mexico when I picked up a cute word that I thought meant "monkey business," since it's pretty close to their word for "monkey." It sort of does actually mean "monkey business," but it's spelled with four letters starting with "f." (Does anybody remember rot 13?) But I digress.
Try this one for amusement: After the part where they say they'll be recording your call, tell them that you're also recording the call. For full effect, wait until you've just punched a dozen or so decision tree numbers, because then when they abruptly hang up on you, you'll really appreciate just exactly what they mean by "valued customer."
Kind of reminds me of the Dilbert cartoon where the boss sums up his response to a product that was killing people with the dismissal, "But then I remembered that I hate our customers."
Of course, they don't actually hate us. What would be the point of that? To hate is to care. Rather, some wet-behind-the-eyeshades MBA has calculated to five decimal places the expected marginal profit to be gained or lost based on the probability that they'll make you mad enough to take your business elsewhere, multiplied by the square root of the probability that you can actually find somewhere to take your business where you'll be treated better, or at least not as badly, which they estimate, to within 15 decimal places, to be zero. And it's not really his fault. (Of course, it could also be her fault, but tone deafness to the relationship implications of a course of action tends to be a more male than female affliction.) It's more a lack of adult supervision. Somebody in the organization had better be aware of the costs and benefits that are hard to quantify.
I think it's like the automated gas stations. Nobody knew there was a demand for it until it appeared as an option. Now, it's the minimum requirement to be in the game. People will put up with maltreatment only as long as they don't see an alternative.
On second thought, how much can my time be worth? I wrote this for a paltry $150. And yours? Ahem, you are taking the time to read this. Of course, you're reading it on paid time, which doesn't really count.
Andrew Winkler, PhD., the former Columbia University Professor, has been creating IT and data storage architectures for the last 30 years, notably at Columbia University and Bell Labs. His first real job was with the IBM Thomas J. Watson Research Lab.Since then, he has launched several successful businesses and is currently chairman of Data Risk Management Inc., which brings to market his new technologies for solving the business problems created by the risks of data loss. In his spare time, he has invented a novel system that makes learning to read dramatically easier at www.soundplayground.org. You can reach him at
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