Many years ago, when computer automation was young, I installed a LAN in a silicon wafer manufacturing facility. The purpose of the LAN was to track the life cycle of an ingot from growing through shipping. Several days after the installation was completed, I stopped by each node to ensure it was working properly and to answer any questions employees may have had that were not covered during introductory training. In the back of the warehouse was a small packaging room where three older women worked.

“Hi,” I said. “How do you like the computer?” “Oh, we don’t use the computer,” one of the women replied. “Why not?” I inquired. “Well, every time we turn it on, it says, ‘HELLO, LOGIN.’ There’s no Login Ah. The fault, of course, was mine. I had assumed too much. The technically challenged, like the poor, will always be with us, and anyone who has ever spent time in tech support knows it is difficult to overestimate what people don’t know. There are, for example, customers who, when purchasing mouse pads, ask to make sure the pad will be compatible with their computer. And then there are the folks who send faxes with a note on the bottom requesting the fax be returned to the sender because they need a copy. Recently, I even heard of a guy who, during a printer installation, got so frustrated at the recurring error message “Can’t find the printer” that he finally held the printer up in front of the screen and then complained that the dumb computer still couldn’t find it!

If those who are uncomfortable with technology tend to vapor-lock when they have it thrust upon them, that’s understandable. They have become strangers in what used to be their land. Faced with the mysteries and nuances of machines clever enough to humble chess champions, they perceive technology as a threat. Clinging to the known feels safer than chasing change. The problem, of course, is that standing still against the potent current of progress is no simple task. Where immovable objects and irresistible forces collide, stresses are unleashed with sometimes amusing and bemusing results. Here are some of my favorites.

In Reading, Pennsylvania, the county controller complained at a commissioners’ meeting about having to use a typewriter because her computer was old and no one had been able to get it to work for two years. “If we had a computer,” she said, “letters would go out faster.” Three days later, she courageously announced that the computer she was complaining about had, in fact, not been plugged into an electrical outlet for the two years

here.”

of its alleged malfunction and that, when the plug was inserted and the computer was actually turned on, it worked just fine.

While some people are long-suffering, others take matters into their own hands. A man called tech support with a complaint about a faulty install disk that he claimed ruined his A drive:

Tech Support: Your A drive won’t work?

Customer: That’s what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, and now it won’t work at all.

Tech Support: Did it not install properly? What kind of error message did you get?

Customer: I didn’t get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn’t come out. So I got these needle-nose pliers and tried to get it out. That didn’t work either.

Tech Support: You did what, sir?

Customer: I got these pliers and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn’t budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit.

Tech Support: Sir, did you push the eject button? Customer: No. So then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers, and it came out fine. I can’t believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective.

Tech Support: It’s not the disk that’s defective, sir.

Then there are times when technology bumps up against personal beliefs and all the technical expertise on the planet won’t help you one bit:

Tech Support: All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon.

Customer: That’s why I hate Windows—because of the icons. I’m a Protestant, and I don’t believe in icons.

Tech Support: Well, that’s just an industry term, sir. I don’t believe it was meant to...

Customer: I don’t care about any “industry terms.” I don’t believe in icons.

Tech Support: All right. Well, why don’t you click on “the little picture” of the filing cabinet.... Is “little picture” OK?

It wasn’t. But if God moves in mysterious ways, no less so His followers. Several years ago, my brother-in-law Steve worked in tech support at an Oklahoma firm based near the Oral Roberts complex. One day, a temporary arrived for her first day of work and promptly called him with a problem.

Customer: You have to get me a new phone.

Steve: Why? Isn’t yours working?

Customer: It’s the extension.

Steve: What’s wrong with the extension?

Customer: It’s 4666!

Steve (confused): So?

Customer: 666 is the sign of the devil. It’s the phone number of the beast.

Steve: Be right there.

So, he lumbered over to her office, popped the plastic plate covering the extension number off the phone, turned the extension number over, wrote a new extension number on the little label, replaced the plastic cover, and said, “Voila!” Demon be gone. “I’ll just go back to the phone room and assign you the new extension number, and you’ll be all set.”

“That won’t work,” said the woman. “Oh, and why is that?” pondered brother Steve. “Because the devil is devious, and he’s already in the phone.” “He’s in the phone?” Steve parroted stupidly, not knowing what else to say. “Yes. I need a new phone.” Of course you do, thought Steve. So, he retreated to the equipment storage room, located another handset, and promptly returned and replaced the handset of the beast. Alleluia.

“OK,” he said. “There you are. New phone, new extension.” “That won’t work either,” proclaimed the woman. “And why, pray tell, will it not?” Steve noticed he sounded ecclesiastical, but he couldn’t help himself. “Because the devil is in the cable, too.”

“The cable?” “The cable.” The woman pointed to the phone cord with a look of disdain reserved for those whose perception of the obvious is so thickly clouded. “Satan is a deceiver!” she cried. “I told you, he’s devious.”

“Must be. He’s confusing the heck of out me,” said Steve. So, off he went again in search of another phone cord, hoping to return in time to prevent the devil from climbing into the wall jack.

Cable replaced, he left only to get a call a few minutes later. The devil, it seems, had now migrated to the office furniture, and the woman was requesting a new office and a fresh computer terminal. She was kindly thanked for her stalwart contribution to the company and escorted out of the building—beyond the immediate reach of Beelzebub, it can only be hoped.

The incident later resulted in a lawsuit, with the woman claiming her religious rights were abridged. Brother Steve maintains this is proof of Mr. Cole’s Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant, but (alas) the population is growing.

But Steve is a techie and, therefore, skeptical of anything that does not strictly conform to the laws of physics. The story may be more indicative of the fact that help is not always easy to ask for, and not always simple to give. Each day, as new technologies capture the imaginations of millions, they also leave behind millions more who, for reasons of age, temperament, or even moral stricture, find themselves unable to cope. Sometimes the best they can do is pray for help to arrive.

An acquaintance who worked in tech support for a large corporation was walking through the administrative offices when he noticed a woman sitting in front of her

workstation, arms folded, staring at the screen. Fifteen minutes later, he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help, and she replied, “It’s about time you got here! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!”

Amen to that.