It has been some time since I wrote the spam tirade that initiated this series ("Demon Email"). Then, I said that, "When I turn on my computer each morning, it rarely greets me with fewer than 150 emails--and often closer to 200. The messages continue to inundate my mailbox throughout the day." Believing that the pen truly is mightier than the sword, I was sure that my rapier-sharp wit would convince the evil spammers of the error of their ways and make them stop. It did not. Now, it is rare for my day to start with fewer than 225 emails spread between my inbox and my spam filter's folder after having emptied them both before heading off to bed the night before. All but maybe two or three of the overnight emails are blatant spam--at least, I think so. I never look in the spam folder to see if the filter misdirected anything useful there.
Enough is enough. In case there are any spammers reading this, just so that there are no lingering doubts, the following is an expanded list of things that I don't want to receive email about:
- Investigative services to find out if my spouse is cheating on me--I believe that marriage must be based on trust. The thought that my spouse may be cheating on me has never--repeat, never--entered my mind. Of course, that may be because I am not married.
- Dating services--Do you really think that I need a dating service to get a date? All right, I do, but I find the concept too embarrassing to consider, so please stop sending me your emails.
- Weight loss programs or pills--I could afford to lose a few pounds, but I think I'll do it the old-fashioned way and pretend that I'll start my diet tomorrow.
- Breast enhancement products--I don't know if there are any exceptions to the rule, but in this case "Joel" is a male name. While I don't have any moral objections to people who do, I have no interest in a gender-altering experience.
- Penis enhancement product--Thanks, but I'll play the cards that I've been dealt.
- Cheap drugs from Canada--Please cast your eyes to the biographical paragraph at the end of this article. If I want cheap drugs from Canada, I can walk out to my corner drugstore. What's more, it gives me Air Miles with my purchases.
- Viagra or any of its natural or unnatural competitors (cheap or not)--I have no need for these products. However, if you want to combine them with a free offer from SureThing Dating Services Inc., maybe we can talk.
- Any product or service that I cannot receive in Canada--Again, please see my biographical paragraph.
- Porn sites--Thank you very much, but I'll use a search engine like everyone else when I want to find a porn site.
- Cheap software--I don't like paying any more than I have to, but I strongly believe that software piracy is theft, and theft is wrong. In addition, when I buy software, I want to feel reasonably certain that I will be able to get support if I need it. Your emails do not instill a lot of confidence that the software that you are trying to sell me will pass muster.
- Cheap loans or mortgages--I paid off my mortgage a few years ago. I bought my car for cash. Since I live downtown, I hardly ever use my car anyway, so I doubt that I will be buying a new one soon. Loans and mortgages do not interest me.
- University degrees that I can buy for $50 with no coursework or exams--Once again, take a look at my bio. I already have two degrees. Not having to go through all of the coursework sounds quite tempting, but since I've already done it, I'll just keep the degrees that I have. They are rather old now, but I checked and they don't carry a "best before" date.
- Requests to confirm my Citibank, SunTrust, or Wells Fargo bank account information--I don't use any of those banks, and the one that I do use has already told me that they will never request account information in an email, so please stop fishing--or should I say phishing--for data.
- Credit cards--I agree. That really is a fantastic introductory interest rate that you are offering me for the first three hours that I hold your card. However, since I always pay my bill in full each month, you can't tempt me with a good interest rate.
- Anything illegal--I probably should be more open to experiencing new things, but I don't want jail to be one of them.
- Hot stocks--I could give you a long and detailed explanation of why I am not interested in unsolicited stock tips from people or organizations that I have never heard of, but the truth is that I just don't trust you.
- Get rich quick schemes--Ditto.
Obviously, this is not a complete list, so please use your judgment to expand it. If you are not sure whether I will appreciate your incredibly asinine email offer, I almost certainly will not. Please stop sending them to me. Don't make me write another spam tirade.
Joel Klebanoff is a consultant, a writer, and president of Klebanoff Associates, Inc., a Toronto, Canada-based marketing communications firm. Joel has 25 years experience working in IT, first as a programmer/analyst and then as a marketer. He holds a Bachelor of Science in computer science and an MBA, both from the University of Toronto. Contact Joel at
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