Two years from today!

McNealy Dons Red Hat: Industry Watches IT Chairman's Cross-Dressing Antics

SANTA CLARA, CA--April 1, 2004--Sun Microsystems Chairman and CEO Scott McNealy was photographed wearing a red gimme hat as he ducked into his company headquarters on Friday, causing analysts to speculate that a new initiative between Sun and the North Carolina-based Red Hat, Inc. is in the offing. Analysts believe this is yet another case of McNealy "telegraphing" a shift in company strategy--a communication technique that began in 2002 when McNealy appeared at JavaWorld dressed as a penguin to indicate his company's new support of the Linux operating system. Since then, McNealy's daily change in apparel has become the subject of much speculation for stock analysts as he has appeared as a rooster, a dolphin, a marine drill sergeant, a starfish, and a mermaid on several occasions....

Four years from today!

iSeries Seen as Key to US Future Success in Afghanistan

KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN--April 1, 2006--The continued search for terrorist leader Osama bin Laden has taken a bizarre twist as U.S. Marine commandos stormed a cave in the mountains above Kandahar. Here, amid the aging rubble left from the Afghan war four years ago, commandos found a dusty IBM iSeries 400 computer containing, officials believe, the record of the fixed assets belonging to Osama bin Laden. Using the fixed asset records, U.S. forces hope to locate bin Laden's possible whereabouts. Despite several cave-ins caused by the "daisy cutter" bombs dropped four years ago, the computer was said to be still "operational and running" under a stairwell leading to a makeshift lavatory. Officials are now searching for software experts who know to access the information contained within....

Six years from today!

Microsoft-Starbucks Merger Boon to Coffee Stocks

SEATTLE, WA--April 1, 2010--The recently announced hostile takeover of struggling software giant Microsoft by Seattle-based Starbucks Coffee, Inc. (Jan 12, 2010) is seen as a windfall for coffee growers in Columbia, according to representatives of the Columbia Coffee Growers Association (CCGA). The merger, the direct result of Microsoft's waning fortunes after the DOJ antitrust lawsuit that started in 1999, is seen by many as the final remedy for the company's past anti-competitive marketing. Said Fernando DeSica of the CCGA, "No more 'Hey, Manuel! Lose the mule!' for us coffee growers. At last we gonna get the respect we deserve as the backbone behind Microsoft's past success. We caffeinated them, so now they gonna pay!" Meanwhile, analysts expect that the two new companies resulting from the merger--"StarSoft" and its office software products subsidiary "MicroBucks"--will substantially boost the flagging caffeinated beverage market while simultaneously resolving trademark issues with Sun's Java language. Former Microsoft CEO Steven Balmer said in a telephone interview, "Well, at least [Sun] won't be able to sue [Microsoft] now about that. After all, what's a coffee company without Java anyway?"...

Your IT Horoscope for April 1, 2012

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Mercury retrograde this week will cause your PDA to crash, leaving you without a means to telecommute to work or arrange for catering. Guess you'll have to hoof it into office for a change.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Don't let that sexy icon you find in your email fool you: The IRS is watching your every move.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Drink plenty of liquids, and stay away from wireless hubs for the next week. Mercury's devilish shenanigans spell a nightmare for your shop's network.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Your historical knowledge of Data File Utility (DFU) will spell big $$$s in your management's mind this week. Aren't you glad you kept it on your resume?

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)

Unemployment continues to plague you this month, dear Leo. Your skills as a Microsoft Exchange Administrator just won't cut it in today's astrological IT market place. However, it's still not too late to give up.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Treat yourself this week. Nasty router viruses will wreak havoc on your company's entire network on Wednesday, making you the most important person on the planet.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 23)

Your relationship with the CFO will improve dramatically this week if you ever get around to fixing his spreadsheet. Don't hesitate to blame the problem on his choice of operating systems, but by all means, don't ask him if he has a back-up. That was what he asked you to do last week. Remember, dear Libra?

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21)

Though it will seem that every piece of software on the planet has got it in for you this week, you can take heart in the knowledge that all Microsoft products are immune to cosmic influences. Stick snug inside of Access, Excel, and Word, and you will do fine.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Life in the broadband has made you too jumpy! Slow down, dear Sagittarius, and reboot your mainframe! Apply a few PTFs to those personal problems and put aside your financial concerns for a time. Remember! Only you know the password to the company's payroll system.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Your complete lack of concern for user problems this week will demonstrate to your superiors how ready you are for IT management promotion.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Stop trying to debug that Pentium IX this week. It's over, obsolete, history! Just because you're obsessed with trying to fix things doesn't mean you need to repair every piece of garbage they throw at you. Bigger network problems will need your help when Mercury goes bananas on Wednesday. Rejoice!

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Cosmic influences in your second house will create broadband electrical interference throughout the week, culminating in a complete static mega discharge event on Wednesday. Systems will fail. Software will malfunction. Networks will crash. This will be your fault. Be prepared for feelings of guilt, persecution, and paranoia. You will deserve them.

Thomas M. Stockwell is an independent IT analyst and writer. He is the former Editor in Chief of MC Press Online and Midrange Computing magazine and has over 20 years of experience as a programmer, systems engineer, IT director, industry analyst, author, speaker, consultant, and editor.  

 

Tom works from his home in the Napa Valley in California. He can be reached at ITincendiary.com.