The sun, blazing in the window, finally rouses our hero, Joe, from his Saturday morning slumber. He peeks out from under his pillow just long enough to see the alarm clock blinking 12:00 a.m. at him over and over. Moaning, he makes an attempt to get out of bed. This turns out to be the first of several bad decisions Joe will make this morning. As he sits up, he is reminded (painfully) that he spent a good portion of the previous evening drinking at the local bar with some friends. As the pounding in his head subsides, something about last night tickles his memory but is gone before he can grab it. His second attempt to stand up is more successful, if only slightly less painful.
Joe makes his way slowly into the kitchen, where, unbeknownst to him, more trouble awaits. The first thing Joe notices is that the automatic coffee machine has not turned itself on and made his morning cup of java, and the clock on the coffee machine is also flashing 12:00 a.m. Now, our hero finds his voice: “Stupid electricity!” After turning on the coffee machine, Joe grabs the remote control, turns on the TV, and settles back to wait for his coffee. Click. Static. Click. More static. Click. “BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! This is the emergency broadca—” Click. Holding his pounding head, Joe decides that he doesn’t really want to watch TV anyway. Again, he speaks, “Stupid cable companies!” And, again, something about last night tickles his memory and is gone.
Thinking he is being very clever, Joe decides to go out to the front yard to get the newspaper. After all, unless you’re a dog, what possible trouble can come from retrieving a newspaper? Almost smugly, he heads out the front door. A few moments later, a very wet and much less smug Joe returns to the house. Cursing the malfunctioning sprinkler system, he discards the wet newspaper, pours himself some coffee, and goes to get changed.
After having some coffee and a shower (and a liberal dose of aspirin), our hero thinks he is ready to face the world. Joe checks his watch and starts to set the clock on the microwave, which is also showing 12:00. Ironically, it is this moment that the electricity chooses to go out (again, presumably?!). Still determined not to let a few minor problems ruin his Saturday, Joe decides to go out and get some breakfast.
However, getting breakfast proves to be a little more difficult than expected. The first of many problems is the garage door. Being, of course, an electric garage door opener, it doesn’t open. But the really difficult part is the drive. All the traffic signals are
out—not just flashing red, as they sometimes do when there’s a problem, but out, as though turned off. Joe is involved in several near misses and witnesses no fewer than three accidents. And all this happens before he reaches his intended destination, McDonald’s, which, not surprisingly, is closed (no electricity). Finally, that memory from last night takes hold: The traffic lights were out last night, too. Now, after deciding that a long drive may end up a one-way trip, Joe heads for home. (The drive home is slightly less traumatic.)
Having made it home in one piece, Joe decides to call his girlfriend to tell her about the crazy morning he’s had. He grabs the phone number she left for him (she’s visiting relatives for the holidays) and dials. “I’m sorry. Your call cannot be completed as dialed...” Click. He dials again. “I’m sorry. Your...” Click. Another memory from last night creeps up on our hero. He couldn’t call a cab then, either, because the phone at the bar wasn’t working. There’s something else, too—something important—but he can’t remember what it is.
Joe drops onto the couch and tries to remember everything about the night before. Some of the guys from the office were going to happy hour and invited Joe to join them. He didn’t have any plans, so he went along. They had a few drinks and shot some pool, and had a few more drinks. There was some nutcase yelling about the end of the world or some such nonsense, and the bouncers had to drag him out. Then...the electricity! That was it! They were ordering more drinks, and the electricity went out. That was when they tried to use the phone to get a cab. Even the traffic lights were out all the way home.
The light bulb in our hero’s head suddenly comes on, and he speaks those words we all know so well: “Oh no!” In a near panic, our not-so-heroic hero runs into the kitchen, where he slips on the water he tracked in earlier from the sprinklers. On the way to the floor, something interrupts his fall: his head hitting the corner of the tile countertop. Once again, Joe is painfully reminded that, next time, he should “just say ‘no’.” This is not a “gentle” reminder, however. After noticing all the blood on the floor around him, Joe reaches for the phone and dials 911. “All circuits are busy now. Please hang up and try your call again later...” Click. After exhausting his arsenal of expletives, Joe staggers upstairs and, being the ultimate hero he is, stitches up his head with a fishing hook and dental floss.
Upon returning to the kitchen, Joe finds the object he was running there to retrieve: a Y2K countdown clock that his friend Jeff, a smart-aleck programmer, gave him. Its seemingly gentle warning, “Are you ready?” has now taken a more ominous tone; the clock reads 00:00:00.
Are you Y2K-ready? Author’s Note: Joe lives out in the sticks (near the author), and his water heater runs off a propane tank in the backyard. Otherwise, he would most likely have had a cold shower.
Jeff Olen is a super-spy now but keeps his cover identity intact by working for video game studios on the East Coast. So when he’s not out killing members of ISIS or rescuing refugees, you can find him playing Wolfenstein II or testing the new Fallout 76 releases at his beach house in Costa Rica. In any case, he can’t be reached. You can email his cat at
MC Press books written by Jeff Olen available now on the MC Press Bookstore.
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