Let's take a solemn vow, right here and now, to end the holy wars once and for all before anyone else gets hurt. I am not referring to the purportedly religion-induced violence that we read so much about in our daily newspapers. No, brothers and sisters, I am talking about holy wars that are waged much closer to the homes of most readers of this column.
Even the most devout of priests, rabbis, imams, monks, or swamis have nothing to teach technology gurus about intense and pious debate about holy dogma. It is just that IT religionists pray at a very different altar. IT zealots can often be seen to work themselves into a deep fervor, if not an actual lather, over the latest technical premise or practice, frequently lapsing into what, to those of us who are less technically orthodox, sounds like speaking in tongues.
I first became aware of this new religion when relational databases entered the market. During the days of relational enlightenment, programmer/analysts, system programmers, and database administrators vigorously debated for hours on end how closely this database or that database adhered to the 12 rules laid out by the person usually attributed as the father and high priest of relational theory, Dr. E.F. Codd. After lengthy spiritual deliberation, white smoke rose from the chimney as the anointed ones, blessed be they, announced the subject database's percentage adherence to the relational model, down to two decimal places. How these people got any real work done and held onto their jobs was totally beyond me. You might think that I am exaggerating just a tad, but it is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me Codd.
IT people's need for this new-time religion was and is insatiable. Once the relational liturgies ran their course, IT devotees began to attend fervent prayer meetings where they pledged devotion to rapid application development (RAD) and fourth-generation programming languages (4GL). I must admit to falling under the spell of the 4GL cult, but a group of colleagues kidnapped and deprogrammed me.
After RAD and 4GL, it was object-oriented programming's turn at the altar. On the application side of the pews, many have preached and still preach the gospel of ERP, CRM, and a few other three-initialed product categories. And who could ever forget the zealous sermons about the divinity of data warehousing and business intelligence? More recently, Web Services have been rapidly gathering faithful adherents who believe that they have found the true path to salvation.
It would not be so bad if there were unanimity about which deity we should consecrate our lives to, but no, we frequently battle over which of two or more gods to worship. At Web Services synod meetings, fierce holy wars break out over whether to kneel at the altar of .NET or J2EE. (As a writer, I cannot get behind any god whose name forces us to place a period before the end of a sentence.)
A pre-existing dedication to the Microsoft or Java faith inevitably determines in which church a Web Services devotee worships. Conversions are rare and undertaken only after considerable internal turmoil. In fact, when Microsoft and Sun were witnessed earlier this year repeatedly French-kissing in public, followers of both sects had to be placed under suicide watches. The blasphemous detente of their spiritual leaders, Steve Ballmer and Scott McNealy, was too much for them to bear.
In the early ages, practice of the new faiths was limited to the inner sanctums of the data center. However, as computing became ubiquitous, techno-religion began to spread to the larger population. Anyone who has been in a crowd split between Mac and Windows users knows exactly what I am talking about. Or one need look no further than a BlackBerry user to find profound piety.
It's time to call an end to these ridiculous IT religious devotions and holy wars. I may be struck dead by lightning for saying this, but it really doesn't matter which technology or development methodology you use, as long as it gets the job done. The debate should be over how well it does the job that needs doing, not how well it conforms to some technical dogma decreed by the IT guru du jour.
Yeah, verily I say unto thee, if you are not already one, it is time to become a technology atheist. A technology is not a deity. A development concept is not a religious teaching. And a programming language manual is definitely not a prayer book. Rather than spend my time praying at the alter of technology, I prefer to keep my Sabbaths and holy days free for truly spiritual pursuits, such as lying on the couch, binging on cashews, and rereading Douglas Adams' The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy series for the umpteenth time.
Joel Klebanoff is a consultant, a writer, and president of Klebanoff Associates, Inc., a Toronto, Canada-based marketing communications firm. Joel has 25 years experience working in IT, first as a programmer/analyst and then as a marketer. He holds a Bachelor of Science in computer science and an MBA, both from the University of Toronto. Contact him at
Joel Klebanoff is a consultant, writer, and formerly president of Klebanoff Associates, Inc., a Toronto-based marketing communications firm. He has 30 years' experience in various IT capacities and now specializes in writing articles, white papers, and case studies for IT vendors and publications across North America. Joel is also the author of BYTE-ing Satire, a compilation of a year's worth of his columns. He holds a BS in computer science and an MBA, both from the University of Toronto.
MC Press books written by Joel Klebanoff available now on the MC Press Bookstore.
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